EMOTIONAL DRAINS

My emotions have come to a head. I don’t care anymore. I’m not reacting anymore. It’s such a surprise though. I had such an optimistic outlook for this week.  But I’ve just been mostly down and very little ups. I don’t think stressed out is the word for it. Or even worn out. It’s more like depleted.

I’m glad the weekend has rolled around again, but I’m not particularly gleeful over it. I’m sitting in the library trying to sort out my feelings for this post and all the while in the not so far distance (i.e. cafeteria, I think) they are having praise and worship. I think the Christian union is having a thing.

I say I think, because I don’t know. I’m usually checked out more or less. (I’ve always been the live in your own little world kind of girl). I would join them, but the thing about my faith and relationship with God is, I prefer to keep it between us. That’s not to say I’m ashamed of my faith, because it’s not.

I own it in my daily life and others see it in the things I do. It’s just I’ve never really gotten into the whole communal thing. I get that we are supposed to interact as one body, but in the whole me and God dynamic (which is what I believe the Christian faith is about, just you and God. The fruits of this relationship is what I believe is supposed to spill over into your relationship and interactions with others) I just don’t see where they fit. Faith is a highly personal thing after all.

In any case, I have a lot of frustrations I don’t really want to put up at the moment. Maybe because most of the catalysts are really fresh.

Yesterday I was having one of my regular introspection sessions when I dredged up a sh** load of issues I didnt know, or probably maybe forgot, still bothered me. A couple of things happened this week to add onto and/ or put a spark to the gasoline, and now I’m an emotional mess.

I think the hormones from my cycle helped open some of these doors. I don’t want to slap labels on this because I feel like it would metastasize into something I don’t want to deal with right now and I don’t have the emotional fortitude to look at objectively.

I’m angry though. I feel like I can at least say that. Angry and a couple of other things and just out. Out of fuel, out of resources. I’ve been praying a lot about it and at some point it had just started sounding like excuses and say-Sos-for-the-sake-of-it, so I stopped.  But I can’t handle it on my own. I was trying before and it was just unravelling, no matter what. Literally like trying to hold water in my hands. It just kept spinning out of control.

I don’t have it together. I don’t think anyone has. I don’t believe anyone can. God is the one that’s supposed to hold these things together for us. Effortlessly. But you have to ask him to, then let him and stop trying to fix things yourself. And for some reason, I’ve been having a hard time with this. But I’m tired. I can’t do this myself, and I don’t really want to try. I think I’m sad.

Anyway, forget my pitiful state of mind you guys. I hope you guys have a great weekend and I’ll see you guys next post.