INTROSPECTION & FREEDOM
I’ve always been an introspective person. Even as a child I have memories of being really aware, for the most part, of myself and my actions and their effect on the environment around me, and the people. Before I go further though, let me just put it out there that, just because I was aware, it didn’t mean I behaved or always did the good thing, or the wise thing, or the right thing. I was still a child after all.
Long before the emotional maturity born of growing in body and spirit (because my faith is/was a big factor in the development of my tolerance and flexibility, in regards to a lot of things) I was aware of myself.
I’m a big sister. I have 3 younger siblings who are not that much younger than me. We are all in that group people would refer to as kids our age, because we are all around the same age. And being an older sibling even if your juniors are much younger than you, it was always important to set a good example. But in my opinion, this pressure is sooo much more when the age gap is smaller. I.e. 2-5 years.
My older siblings were muuuch older than I was and as a result we didn’t really relate much. So whatever they did more often than not a distant ring to it. Be it good or bad, I was never too bothered and honestly, as the child I was, it had no bearing on my life whatsoever. That’s not to say I didn’t care, but their issues and problems were completely different from mine, and as such we just couldn’t relate. There was no way I could identify with any of it.
On the other hand, with me and my younger siblings, it was the opposite. We went to the same school, knew the same people, had the same or very similar issues and so, consequently, my actions as a big sister had more of an impact on them what my older siblings had on me. (Sibling dynamics are very interesting, but it digress.)
In any case, I think, firstborns would agree with me that when you are in that position, you naturally, through a series of environmental influences, find that you tend to think more about your actions. So because I was the eldest in this group, I found that this was the case for me.
Much of the restraint I have now, I gained growing up. And I won’t lie, I didn’t like it. I was painful, most of the time, and some of these things, I’m still dealing with today. I don’t regret it really, because, personality wise, (and I think I said this before in a previous post) restraint is right up my alley. In fact, it is so much so, I need to apply some breaks on it.
But, objectively speaking, my iron clad restraint is probably just as a result of my need for control. I’ll admit, I was a VERY bossy kid. Before I understood nuances and tact, there was just me with very strong ideas about how things should be.
You know self-awareness in a child can be a double edged sword. I knew myself. I knew what I liked and didn’t like, how things should be and how they shouldn’t and I want afraid to show it. I cringe sometimes at some of my memories from this period of my life. And I think all these experiences are what came together in the end to make me the hands off person I am right now.
Most of the time, you could sum my approach up as this. I don’t like to get involved and I don’t like to give my opinion. (Or rather I just don’t get giddy at the prospect of saying what I think anymore.) And while I’ll acknowledge that this approach has its merits now, I’m afraid I lost something really important as a result. And this I do regret.
I lost the unwavering ability to speak my mind. And some of my confidence with it. Because you know, when you begin to hesitate about expressing how you feel, whatever your reasons may be, it’ll affect you in the long run. I find that I have to try harder now to stand up for what I want, and to give my honest opinion, and it’s painful for me. I don’t like it. I don’t want it to stay this way.
So I’m putting in the effort to shake some of these restraints. I’ve realized that thinking I’m being nice, or worrying that I might hurt somebody’s feelings by expressing my own true feelings is only hurting me at this point. And it’s a shame for me to have to be dealing with this this way right now, when it used to come so naturally to me.
Say what you want to say!
If it’s how you really feel, get it out, if for no other reason than to have it out there. I hold things in a lot, and I think I’m kind of twisted inside in a way now, because of it. It festers, you know? I don’t like what I see sometimes when I look inside, and I have to make the decision now, actively, not to hold it in till it morphs into something ugly and bitter.
Speak your mind! Don’t worry about other people. Whether they will like you, or be offended. Just say it! Have you ever see a jerk or a b**ch (forgive my language) suffering a shortage of friends? Why? Because people will adjust to you, however you come and whatever you think. Heck! You may even find some who like you for it, or regardless of it. You just have to be real. Don’t be fake, just be real.
I’m currently trying to NOT be nice. And this doesn’t mean I’m being mean or anything to people all of a sudden now. No, it just means that now, instead that if there’s things I don’t like, I say so. If there is something I want, I say so. Instead of just smiling and being the picture of cheer and friendliness and sweet to people verbally, while inside I don’t really care, I’ll just be civil and polite instead. And if something has got to be said, I say it. I’m already starting to feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders. And honestly, I feel more at peace with the world.
Do you agree fellow growers?
