THE FUTURE AND THE PAST

I’ve always been an oddball. In primary school I was what you would call an extreme extrovert with sever bossy tendencies. I wasn’t a bully or anything, I never really even thought about it, really. I was just me and literally, my world revolved around me. I never had time to make sport of other peoples supposed “shortcomings”. And looking back now I realize that that must have been why I was able to be so confidently me.

You know, everybody makes a big deal about growing up. Nobody treats you like a kid anymore and you “supposedly” get to do whatever you want. (My disillusionment on this particular misconception was strong… let’s just leave it at that.) I have a lot or regrets, and possibly some resentment, which, due to my current personality leanings, I’m trying to deal with in the least turbulent way possible. (Hopefully without any confrontations necessary.) But it’s hard.

I changed. In high school, I had a lot going on and I was very angry. All that bubbly vivaciousness, left me. I felt so empty. I made so many bad decisions, now that I look back in retrospect. Not bad in the sense that they destroyed me, but bad in the sense that my life would have turned out a lot more differently than it has now if I had just not insisted on being an emotional brat. I lost a lot of opportunities to grow and explore, I’ll admit I’m a little bitter about it.

I just turned 24, and when I realized I’m basically a quarter of a century old, it hit me very quickly how time flies. True, I’m still young, but there are things I could have done, should have started when I was younger and would probably have worked out if I took the chance then. There are opportunities, I’ll never get back, and it hurts. It’s really painful for me to think about.

But when I get to this point I have to remind myself that:

-One, I’m still young. Not hormone driven young, or bursting with unbridled energy type of young, but even now with all the time I’ve lost and wasted, I still have some left. So I’m not lost.

– And two, I have to remind myself that the past is gone. I can’t change it or get it back. There is no use thinking or hurting about it now. Ill only waste more time if I do that. But the thing for me to do now, and I owe this to myself, is make the most of what I have now. The opportunities, the ideas, even the mistakes. Right now I just want to dive in. I don’t want to worry too much about the consequences or hold back anymore. And I sure as heck don’t want any more regrets.

That’s not to say I feel like this is the last time I will mess up in a way I’ll be smarting about in the future, but I want to mess up doing the things I want to be doing and chasing my dreams and goals. It’s why I’m always going on about goals, fellow growers. I want to be positive about this.

Now, for some of you out there you may be wondering why a 24 year old is griping about regrets of teenage years, but I’ll have you know, it took a personality test this weekend and it said I have the mindset of a mid-40s to like… elderly person, so basically, I’m predisposed to think this way (and by this way, I mean be sentimental as heck.) This also means that I have to fight with all my being not to give in to these same tendencies so that when I’m older, I’m not hurting about what I passed up in favor of my bed and no risk. If I had a chance to speak to my young self, there are many things I would tell her. (But I think I’ll save that for another time)

Right now I’m kind of set in my ways. Growing up, if you think about it, really, is basically characterized by restraint and I settled into a personality type, in the aftermath of teenage hood, which is all about this. My perfect life right now would be, for me to wake up and not have to worry about work, or money or food. And unfortunately the only way to get there, in this life, in this world is to be filthy rich, or be a survivalist (though I’m pretty sure survivalists have to work :/) and so I have no choice, fellow growers. I have to put everything I have into achieving this goal (filthy rich), legally of course, or die trying. I don’t think I would be able to rest in peace if I didn’t give it my all. What do you think?